I recalled the day, 21 years before, when he'd been born. That particular early morning had been rainy and windy, it was still dark when I went to the hospital. Hours later, I held him in my arms. The storm had broken, and in the first rays of sunlight I looked at his perfection. I inspected his little fingers: long fingers, like my own. I whispered, "Hello! I know you!"
I'd barely turned 18 just two weeks before his arrival. I was an unwed single mother. I knew I was unprepared, and had little to offer. I had so many concerns. How would I ever pull this off? Would I be a good mother? I was so committed to this tiny person that I vowed I would put forth a noble effort. Ready or not.
Through the next few years of his life, I'd asked myself those questions again. Through diapers and colds, vomit and potty training, learning to talk and first days of school. I was fortunate in having the support of my family in the early years. Later, as childhood faded into the teen years, our family of two turned into a family of four. Completed by a father and a little brother. The trials of the teen years had me asking the questions more frequently than ever before. I was certain that I would lose my mind. My dark hair began to grow out streaked with silver. How am I going to do this? Am I a good mother?
I recalled those questions while walking in the shade of the trees. The leaves had just begun to change color and fall to the ground. All the days, hours, and moments of doubt and concern. All the seasons of change that accompany raising a child.
Life is funny, isn't it? I'd had no idea how to be a mother, or an adult in general. Truth be told, that may still be the case. There's a quote by Hugh Laurie I've seen circulating a lot on social media lately: "It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There's almost no such thing as ready. There's only now. And you may as well do it now...I do think that generally speaking, now is as good a time as any." I look back at my life, and realize there were a lot of things I wasn't ready for, and for good reason. Some things beyond my control, others not. But pushing through has always been my only conceivable option. Concerns? Of course. Not debilitating worry, but genuine concern. The concerns give way for asking questions, seeking answers, doing research. Striving for better, and giving more. The experiences between 18 and now have taught me that even the toughest situations can work out for the better. Beautifully.
Back at the park, I watched my son with our family and my heart filled with gratitude. It hadn't always been as picture perfect as it was in that moment, I'm sure I made mistakes along the way. But I adore him: he is smart, he is funny, he is kind, capable, handsome, and I really like him as the young adult he is. I wanted to sweep him up in my arms and dance around (like I did when he was little). I wanted to cheer:"Look! We made it, kid!"
