The Pursuit of Peace

At seventeen, I was devastated. Since I was so young, I can't really fathom the impact that must have had on my life. There have been many heart breaks and disappointments between now and then, with plenty of emotional baggage. In attempts to isolate the burdens I've carried with me over the years, I've smeared emotions across canvases, sat with uncomfortable feelings in thought and prayer and meditation, moved in breath and yoga to expel them, written them out, tried to create something tangible from them, so that they are outside of me, no longer in me. I can't measure the weight of the things I've worked through, but I can feel their absence. I do feel lighter. 

As a result of this work, I feel compelled to hear out those who've hurt me. It doesn't happen often, but there have been those who've sought me out. I try, as difficult as it may be, to be gracious. 

I am aware that I may not be able to relate to the how and why of someone else's decisions and actions. I realize that there may have been repercussions, too. Maybe the burden was great. There may have been choices that likely became such huge secrets that they would have made a fulfilling life improbable. Secrecy and regret do not breed authenticity or joy. I try, for the sake of empathy, to see others in the light of humanity. We are all flawed, we are all damaged, we all make bad decisions. What it really comes down to is the pursuit of peace, doesn't it? Reprieve from the burden of guilt, reconciliation with choices made. 

Perhaps I may seem emotionally removed. I've learned that emotional reactions don't serve me well. I'm not going to react with resentment and hostility. While I could have done without disappointments in life, I'm grateful for the experience and the knowledge I've gained. I've learned to be objective, analytical. Perhaps it is self serving on my part, because I don't care for the weight of resentment and anger. If someone comes to me in humility or shame, I can't in good conscience shame them further.

Life is short. Make amends. Let go of what can't be undone. Pursue peace of mind.

Peace Rose